I am an imposter
Imposter syndrome is more common that you would like to believe. I have felt out of place in life forever. I find myself blessed with luck.
Hola! This is your imposter Shantanu, writing about business, marketing, and culture every week out of Singapore. This post will be tough - for you to read and for me to write. I must bear my heart and say things I dare not speak of. There is no other way to handle the topic 🥹
But first, welcome to the week 29 edition. I am writing this mid-week. I will be in Bengaluru, my second home, for a wedding that bore fruit during our MBA. This lovely couple stole everyone’s heart - we knew they were going to date even before they started dating. Such was the energy between the two. We have prepped up our dance moves to rock the stage this Saturday.
Second, how are you feeling?
Now this poll will be a constant feature. If you don’t vote, you will lose $100 to me🤭 There is a saying - “feeling” is important. If you feel pumped, you will do wonders even in the most demanding situations. A trick I use in tough times is to find a happy moment or activity - I call it the “ice cream”. Find your “ice cream” if you aren’t doing the best 🍧
Writing this week’s topic was not easy. I seem to have made it complicated in my mind. I rewrote the section on Sunday from here on to simplify the message. I also didn’t have the weekend to write, so I was writing during the week. I missed the Haldi ceremony today (Sunday) and have got an empty quiet room to complete this.
Let me tell you some things about me -
#1 My schooling was delayed
I started school 2.5 years late - when I was 6 years. I started speaking late. When I did start speaking, I remained mute in the first test of my life – the school admission test. I didn’t get in. I barely managed to pass the second year. By this time, I was late by 2 years. This meant I was with younger kids for 20 years of my life. I hit puberty earlier than most. Interestingly I would shave my mustache and body hair (we still used to wear half pants till Class 7th) to fit in. I forever felt out of place.
The school I studied at was good. It meant I was around kids of well-off parents. My parents were financially just fine and nowhere close to “well-off”. I had great friends in all spectrums of richness. As a kid, I would feel the “lacking”. It was a good learning curve - my ambitions bore out of this gap between my family and the well-off ones.
I did well academically. Socially, I felt out of place.
Interestingly, my love from school refused to commit later in life because I wasn’t in her class. I will share more about this when I talk about caste in modern India. Let me give you a precursor - Indians are shallow about a person’s worth. I will explain this some other day.
I felt I am in a place where I don’t belong. This translated into a behavior - I give more weight to every other voice in the room than mine.
#2 My language skills are poor
Bengali is my mother tongue. I didn’t learn how to read or write the language. I was and still am shy to talk in Bengali. This is important - Bengali as a language and culture is the richest in India. The literature is old and vast. I could never read them.
I have used Hindi as my main language all my life (now, English). But again - this remained a language of communication. My oratory in Hindi is as bad as Bengali. I didn’t dare to participate in debate and speech competition events during school. After I moved out of my hometown, the struggle became harder. Hindi is spoken differently with multiple regional influences. Somewhere I always felt “lowly” with my Eastern Hindi accent.
I am bad at English as well. I never properly conversed in English till I started working in 2015 - even then it was broken since we could easily get by with Hindi. I properly started using English in 2020 when I moved out of India. A UK friend told me this - “you talk too formally, not the way people speak in everyday life”. This translates into me having trouble developing meaningful connections with the English-speaking crowd.
I feel like an imposter with speakers of Bengali, Hindi, and English.
#3 My superpower is luck.
Friends would have often heard me say this - “I am damn lucky”. The place where I am from, my family background, and my finances - such people don’t go far. I am a lot of “first” in our family. I don’t think only hard work helped with success in life. Almost always, I have had luck in my favor. First job, second job, salary increments, relationships (this I have been mostly unlucky 😭), first international job, MBA offer - the list can go on. I have been immensely lucky with people. I have had successful people around me who show me the way.
I am lucky to have an “open mindset”. This creates opportunities at every step. I don’t know how it formed.
It’s not me who is successful (actually I am not 🤷♂️) but it’s my luck that is. I am afraid I will lose this any day.
#4 I have low confidence
I am intimidated by confident people. I feel lowly in front of a better-speaking, better-looking, and confident crowd. Fortunately, my life journey has always put me around people better than me. I am constantly trying to save my face.
I do new things often. This means I am not the best in what I do - other people have a better experience.
Take all the 3 points I spoke about before - they all lead to my low confidence.
Few extras-
I seek validation from the outside world consistently.
I say sorry for everything - even when I am high on alcohol (phew, saved my visa there🤫)
I have learned to survive well, nevertheless.
Here is a peek into how I do it -
I Observe people. I watch and observe people. I understand who is shallow and who is not. The “better people” are also like me with similar fears. They have their own reasons for developing those fears.
Actively work on weaknesses. I am a bad speaker in a group. So I did Toastmasters to practice public speaking. I challenged myself to start a business - I had to work on my entire personality and change ways during that period. I keep working on myself - Reading more information, exploring places, people, and ideas, and improving my health and professional skill sets.
Do what I need to do. Sometimes pure stubbornness helps. People are moody, even the best ones. I may not be perfect, but if something needs to be done, it needs to be done. Excuses don’t work. If I need to speak in front of 100 people, I will dread it, but I will do it well. I am not scared to do things.
Sometimes I just don’t care. I might be an imposter - so what? Be shameless and do what needs to be done (like pt 3)
I introspect. I spend a lot of time with myself. I have been away from my parents for 12 years. I have lived alone (not sharing a house with friends) for 5 years now. I get a lot of time to think.
The side effect is that I am almost always embarrassed. Every single day.
Thanks for reading this edition. I feel blessed 😇
For the next week, let me decide what to write. I want to do something new. Let’s see what I come up with.
Till then, goodbye!
Did you really think I will leave you without showing off Jisoo, hahaha. She is cute. Okay, bye now 👋